Second time was when my honey was cooking dinner. I was standing watching him and realised that I should have taken my anti-biotic ages before he started cooking.

But I rememembered and swallowed it. Okay not quite.

I'm one of those people that actually can't swallow tablets. It runs in my family. My brother can't, nor can my cousin so that means pills get crushed, capsules get opened and all that crap.

Never a fun experience but the facts of life.

It's so good to be home tonight, but deadly quiet here. I'm glad I have my honey here with me since I'm the only person on my floor, and it's kind of creepy in a strange way. That and I want to be wrapped up in S's arms tonight.

I've missed him so much. I've realised that with everyday I am falling more and more deeply in love with this incredible man.

I just love everything about him. The way he moves, his shy smile, his blue/grey eyes, his mouth, his voice.

I know this sounds nauseating but it just amazes me how much someone can mean to you. It's almost like they become your everything; your every breath, your every reason for waking in the morning and it's scary.

Scary to think that with one word or two your world could end. Your heart could be broken forever.

I've been listening to an album that he made me, and honestly I think that's what made me realise how much I love him. Just listening to the music he took the time and patience to put on 2 cd's. They were obviously songs chosen with care, and very sweet.

That and the fact he drove up from G this morning to take me home, especially when he had to rush off to training afterwards. It's gorgeous.

He's been so gorgeous while I've been sick, and I think that's also attributed to why I'm feeling so gushy. He's called me repeatedly to make sure I'm okay, that I'm eating and generally just fussed over me. I hate it when anyone fusses over me, but love it when he does it. I love him. Simple as that.

I'm completely and utterly in love with him.

And it scares the shit out of me.

It scares me to know that this is the one man that could break my heart completely, and there's nothing I can do about it. Usually I would break up with a guy, and move on. I can't this time. I know that if we do break up then I am always going to compare the next guy to S. Simple as that. I've found my perfect man, and I can't see anyone being able to fill the void I would feel in my heart if we broke up.

The funny thing about it is that part of me wonders if right now I should be dating anyone because I've got no energy to date, and we have talked about what will happen if I don't get my energy back.

The idea of breaking up is unpleasant and not going to happen. There are other alternatives.

Hmmmm. Enough talking about S.

I've been trying to spend some time with my grandpa while he's been here but the man just irritates the shit out of me. We're talking someone who pretty much doesn't give a shit about me or certainly acts like he doesn't. I'm sick and tired of hearing how beautiful my sister is, and how talented she is.

He's barely spoken to me in the time I've come up and seen him. It's just frustrating because it hurts.

He asked me if S was Australian...which is his very English way of asking if he's white.

He asked me how much he earned, and then turned around and told me Lei would have to get herself a rich boyfriend too. Excuse me but last time I checked I was a struggling student who was living on her own money and certainly not S's like he suggested.

Then there was another time when my mom asked me what S ate for breakfast, and he asked me how I knew.

I felt like turning around and saying "Well because I'm fucking him so I would know wouldn't I?"

It pisses me off. My life, my business and how much S earns shouldn't matter, and what nationality he is shouldn't matter either.

Okay that's my rant. I just wish that my grandfather wasn't so judgemental and didn't make me feel like the size of an ant whenever I was in his presence.

He keeps telling me I'm too much like my father. I take that as a compliment. I know I'm like my father. I'm my father's daughter, just as my mother is her father's daughter. I'd rather be like my father than like my grandfather.

One pleasant thing that came out of this was that my brother and I actually spoke pleasantly to each other. We could speak without there being a problem, without there being any spitefulness between us or anything.

It was nice. His wife wasn't there though, and well she still doesn't speak to me but at least Deon seems to have got over some of his issues, although I don't see him much.

Hey who knows maybe our family is becoming less dysfunctional.